March 28, 2021

Dealing With Betrayal

The actual numbers vary from one study to another, but sexual infidelity is common.

The number of married people that have cheated varies from 25% to 70%, depending on the study cited. 

Regardless of the frequency of infidelity, there’s no doubting the pain it can cause.

Many intimate relationships have been destroyed by infidelity.

But some couples are able to overcome infidelity and create an even stronger relationship in the process.

Infidelity doesn’t have to mean the end of a relationship.

Mukhang madaling sabihin but if ikaw ang siyang nakadiskubre na nangangaliwa nga si partner ang normal na reaction ay HURT and ANGER. 

Healthy naman ang emosyon na ito, ibig sabihin tao ka nga at masaktan also napatunayan mo na mahalaga sa iyo ang iyong marriage.

The feeling of hurt and anger indicate that you see yourself a valuable person who has been wronged.

Naireveal din na mahalaga sa yo ang tama and what is fair.

These emotions are entirely appropriate kailangan mo lang iprocess in a positive way.

Siguro sa unang pagkakataon na malaman mo ang infidelity ni partner you cry, weep and sob which are responses to intense hurt and anger. However dapat sundan siya ng pagiging kalma para makapag-isip ng maigi.

Is there life after a spouse had an affair? Can the marriage be healed? 

Yes, if there is GENUINE REPENTANCE and GENUINE FORGIVENESS!

Peter betrayed Jesus, but there was genuine repentance on the part of Peter and a genuine forgiveness of Jesus. Jesus' infinite love was bigger than Peter's sin.

Here are some tips na puedeng gawin sa isang kabiyak who feel betrayed, hurt and used.

1. Focus on the positive. 

How you feel about your partner and the situation is largely determined by your focus.

Spend five minutes each day writing down what you appreciate about your partner. You’ll notice that your feelings will change after a week or two.

This is a good exercise to continue for the rest of your life. 

2. Determine why the infidelity occurred.

Was it a lack of attention?

Boredom?

Something else?

By determining the cause, you can take steps to decrease the likelihood of infidelity happening again in the future.

There are no guarantees, but you can stack the odds in your favor. 

3. Spend time together on enjoyable activities.

It’s important to find things that you both enjoy.

Baka sobrang busy ka na at nagkulang na ng panahon to connect with your partner. 

Sharing time together while doing something that you both enjoy can increase the positive feelings between the two of you.

Find a way to laugh and smile. 

4. Build trust together.

Daming kabiyak na nagsabi, "Yes puede ko siyang patawarin, pero ang hirap magtiwala uli."

Of course naging honest lang siya ng sinabi niya ito.

Forgiveness does not restore trust.

Ang pagpapatawad kasi is just letting your partner be back in your life.

What do you need in order to trust your partner again?

Does he need to find a job with another company in order to create space between him and the other woman?

Does your wife need to stop drinking excessively with her friends?

Would attending couple’s therapy show a commitment by your partner and build trust?

Consider what you require to feel comfortable moving forward and tell your spouse these needs because trust grows when one is trustworthy. 

5. Let go of the need to know the details. 

It’s natural to want to know the gory details.

Minsan para tayong mga reporter na dapat malaman ang five W's and one H.

What, when,  whom, why, where and how?

Where did they meet when they got together?

How frequently did they spend time together?

Of course, you’re curious. But what will you accomplish?

Having a clearer picture only makes your imagination more active and increases the negative feelings.

6. Make plans for a new relationship that’s better than ever. 

It’s like buying a new house.

You can buy a house that takes into consideration everything you liked and didn’t like about the old house.

You can’t change your partner, but you can change your relationship.

What changes would you like to see?

What would you like to keep the same?

7. Recommit to the relationship.

This applies to both of you.

It’s necessary to make the relationship a priority.

Without a strong commitment by both parties, the outlook isn’t good. 

8. Give yourself time.

You can’t expect to shrug off an incident of cheating within two days.

It can take months or even years before the painful feelings go away.

Sabi pa nga nila it takes time to heal.

Be patient with yourself and ask your partner to be patient, too.

9. Don't give up.

This is the time your spouse needs you. 

He or she may also have the need of a support system. 

This is the time to show your partner that you are there in good times or in bad times, for better or for worse.

10. Have a marriage mentor.

Sure, it is sometimes uncomfortable for both of you. 

However, you’ll have the guidance of a trained mentor with a lot of experience on the topic.

It’s hard to deal with something when you lack experience.

The more you’re struggling to forgive your partner, the more mentoring can help.

11. Take a marriage assessment.

There are spouses who have the difficulty to communicate their inner needs and feelings.

Taking an assessment helps you both find the root of your differences, your triggers in a very objective way and identify areas in your relationship that need to grow.

12. Ask God to make both of you a person of character and integrity.

Proverbs 20:7 said, "The godly walk with integrity, blessed are their children who follow them."

Ask Him to give you a forgiving heart kung ikaw ang nasaktan.

Pray for your partner the strength to resist sin.

Also ask Him to restore trust in your broken relationship and pray for healing and grace to make you both willing to take the necessary steps.

Remind yourself that you can express all your emotions to God, who loves you wholeheartedly and weeps with you. He hears your cries.

"He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds," Psalm 147:3.

Allow Him to comfort you in your distress.

Infidelity is common, but it doesn’t have to be a death sentence for a relationship.

It is possible to overcome infidelity and build a better and stronger relationship. 

 Your marriage mentor

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